There is this thing that makes you more than just skin, skeleton and bodily fluids, it is the very essence of who you are. Your soul, your spirit which holds all the lies that we were taught as a child about being a good person. These notions of emotions that we let consume us come with a price. Love, compassion, empathy, loyalty, devotion, selflessness, and the biggest lie of them all hope, all have an equal and opposite hate, fear, selfishness, deception, dishonesty, a darkness that consumes you when you realize it’s all a scam. There are people who prey on these kinds of people, dare I call hope the weakness of heart.
Today I walked a long time trying to get rid of the pain, guilt and shame of allowing myself to give the very best I had to offer to someone who couldn’t, wouldn’t and didn’t love me back. As I walked, I got consumed by the darkening that came along with the lie. I got angry and I realized… true power isn’t defined by what you have, it comes when you free yourself of the constraints. It’s all about what you are willing to do to get to everything you want. Who you’re willing to trample along the way. When you don’t give a fuck, you have truly found freedom.
I watched and assisted in him getting the very thing that I gave away for him. It was never about me, it was all the end game. It was today I realized that everything that I prayed for, meditated on, wished on countless stars and plucked sunflowers,( he loves me, he loves me not) it doesn’t exist. I asked ” if you had to make a choice what would you do” and I distinctly remember hearing I would have to choose the one person who always loved me. I guess you did.
I deserved the truth, but mark my word that very love that you hold so dear is going to choke the life out of you, and your mind will become your own personal prison. If you never believed a word I said… you might want to believe this.