life, love, self motivation, life journey, self help, depression · relationships, heart ache, new beginnings

Starting Over…

Before I begin, I need to say every person that will be mentioned here even though there name will not be mentioned I hold very dear in my heart til this day. Their presence in my life was very necessary and without them I would not have learned the lessons that was needed to go further.

I listened to a woman who said your story is important, and I know I am not the only one that has been here. Having a situation that threatens the very fiber of your being. You’re holding on to life and you’re gasping for air in a sea of your own despair. Love, relationships, loss and matters of the heart can poison your life or it can make you the best person you can be. You choose. 

If you haven’t figured it out, I am very unapologeticaly in tuned to my emotions and my feelings govern a  good part of my life. I am elated to feel, it lets me know I am alive. The down side to being this way, is there is not just good stuff you feel but I am good with the bad as long as I get to have the good.

So, I’ve said it has been my life long journey to find and be found by the person that I could grow old. That person that I knew that one of us was gonna bury the other cause we are so linked that their is no other way. Now I have kissed a lot of frogs y’all trying to find prince charming. I have done some extra to get to that feeling that no other feeling can compare to. That thing that makes you want to wake up, cause you get to look over and they are there. You can’t sleep at night cause you don’t want to miss a moment in there love, in their eyes. Youre at work waiting for a break just to hear that voice on the other end of the phone and even if the words are not uttered you know its going to be ok… I got you. You feel you can soar and when you come down they are waiting. I want to want to go home cause you are my best friend, my extension, confidant, equal and separate partner, I can not get enough of you even when you make me mad there is no one I would rather be with. The kicker was, I didn’t want to be around me that much let alone someone else wanting to be around like that. I give my all y’all.

Suddenly, I am alone and I am scared. I don’t mean alone without a mate…I mean that real twilight zone alone. No family in the immediate area, not sure if the people I associate with  can really be called friend, 2 little people who depend on me and I am not sure I can depend on me, no job, no money, unfit living conditions (according to my standards), no one to lean on, no car, aching feet, and a skill that was my saving grace at the moment and one individual that was a constant and even that became shaky. (I’ll get to that in a moment)

Three years earlier, I was in a marriage that was to say the least unhealthy…that’s mild. He was a beautiful man, very charismatic, but an awful husband (for me). This relationship was suffocating, depressing, dysfunctional, mentally challenging and just all around bad, but he was all that I had. The cheating was the least of the issues, the disrespect, the life draining words, and the constant negative energy was the worst. As I look at it now I just don’t know how I survived it, but I made a vow and damn it I was gonna breathe life into this man. I was gonna make him be the man I wanted him to be. I was gonna give it everything I had, if it killed me and guess what, IT ALMOST DID.

People around you know pieces, but no one knows the silent tears you cry. The days you just feel buried alive. I heard so many things, from so many people. I had two favorites, “Girl, just leave” and go where. I had no job, two children under the age 3, and a teenager that was really trying to break the record on how fast can I take my mother out. The other “Go find someone else”. When you have been verbally assaulted as a sport, your self-esteem takes a beating. I wasn’t built for this kind of combat, cause I had no sense of self-worth. Constantly hearing “no one else is gonna want you”, “If you’re not prepared to leave then leave me alone about what I do”, No matter what I wanted to do, or thought I could become it was crazy. You can’t do it, even down to basically telling me that I would fail at everything. He told me how he fought temptation everyday, to come home to this. Then he would walk in the door from work, and look so disgusted that I was there. The biggest fear was one day he was gonna make good on the threat of divorce so I kept adjusting, jumping through hoops and rings of fire to keep him happy (which never worked). I would walk on hot coals and dry ice for this man, and you couldn’t tell me that the sun didn’t rise, shine and set on him. 

I would get angry, and I would cry til it felt like my heart would spazm. I would change some more and it would go unnoticed. I had no strength. He’d leave and comeback, showing no remorse for the things he had done. I gotta stay true to myself, but I was very unrecognizable to me. The once quirky, happy, laughing person I was now drinking my weight in alcohol, afraid to eat cause I was too fat already, crying all day, everyday, all night, every night, not sleeping, taking sleeping pills like they were skittles and no, he just didn’t care. 

By the time the anxiety attacks hit, I was afraid of my own shadow. Nothing was right, I jump up and cleaning the house cause he’s on his way home and he would find something out-of-place. I tried to have a conversation with him but it fell on def ears unless I was talking about something that had to do with him or someone else business. I am drowning, no way to be positive in that situation. There wasn’t enough and I had nothing else to give. I didn’t even have to look at the clock to know he was off work my body would react. I can’t breathe, my hands are shaking, I got a headache, my nose is bleeding and I feel terribly nauseous all because I knew he was coming home something would be wrong.

This marriage was wrong, and often times you try to force fit it until you come to the conclusion this is not my size. I knew I wanted my girls to see something different, I would rather him find the woman who works for him, and let me find the man who works for me. I wanted them to see what a loving relationship looks like even if it was him and someone else and me and someone else. I wanted them to not have to hear the arguing, or the walking around not speaking. One or both of us unhappy. Mommy locks herself in the room 70% of the time, daddy sleeps on the couch and stays up all night on the computer and gets in the bed when mommy leaves. They need more, I need more. I want a man that wants to sleep in the bed, I want to want him to sleep in the bed. I want him to know there’s nothing out there more satisfying than this love. I want to move my foot and be comforted that he is there. I want to make love when the sun comes up. I want to want that.

Sometimes there’s a person that comes along, just to get you over this hump. They make you laugh, you find out you have teeth cause they make you smile so much your cheeks hurt, you feel alive. You can look at them and see yourself in their eyes. They were searching for you.

He found me and gave me butterflies from the thought and he was more that I that I could ever have, and definitely more than I deserved. He was like finding a chocolate diamond to me. He was beautiful to me. He told me I was beautiful and even though I didn’t believe him he never stopped showing me I was. He told me I was smart. He showed me his heart and said I could have a home there and suddenly the sun came out again. I got up and combed my hair and put on my make up, I was smiling again. I felt the layers of self loathing, deception, lack of confidence, worthlessness, lies and heartache shed layer by layer. He kissed away my pain, I found my inner strength to be free. He made me physically feel better and my anxiousness was not as bad. His heart was so open, although he was a quiet man. 

sometimes those people come into your life for just that reason. To help your dig your way out of the whole you are buried in. I have an awesome relationship with my ex, but there is no going back, we are oil and vinegar but I needed him in my life to find out what I don’t want and he gave me the most perfect gifts and I will forever be grateful. I can love him as a person now without being trapped under his unhappiness with himself and I can encourage him, until he can get to know himself. I built this relationship cause my children need their father and he needs them. My chocolate diamond? Has his own things to work on and they don’t include me right now. He is a remarkable man and he is seeing it everyday. We were mirror images and we needed each other to see ourselves. I won’t ever say never when it comes to him. I will say for now, I love him enough to let him find his way home. Whether home is here, or somewhere else he has to see it himself. He will still remain one of the most influential person this side of the great beyond I have had the pleasure of knowing. There are no mistakes, but there are lessons and reasons.

Now that I have fell in love with me, I can give so much more to someone else. For that I am eternally grateful. Starting over can be a beautiful thing.





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