life, love, self motivation, life journey, self help, depression

An Amazing Love…

I can only speak on the things I know. When it comes to love it has been as illusive as they come. It is the most precious of all gifts, the most highly sought after, and the healthiest of it has been like trying to find a specific needle in a stack of similar needles.  

There are so many types even though they all come from the same place with a different intent. The protective/nurturing love that comes from a mother to her child or brother and sister sometimes even friends. Then there is the friendly love, you’re like a sibling to me. The unrequited love, which really sucks if you don’t know. You just love someone who you would do anything for them to just love you back but they just see you as a very nice person. The all-consuming love, that can be both healthy and unhealthy at the same time. The romantic love/ unconditional love, that where two whole people become one dynamic duo. When they love you just because you’re you. They know that you when no ones looking and they accept that you, flawed, broken, quirky, lovable you. 

Now, I’ve just scratched the surface, but let me stop here. I said “AN AMAZING LOVE”, and while all of these can be amazing in their own way, they are not what I am talking about. I was talking about Loving your Self, which believe it or not is sometimes the hardest thing to do. 

I’ve spent countless years searching for someone to accept me. Giving so much of myself I had nothing left for me. Thinking I had to do or be something else, why are you running from me. I’ve played the games from acting like I am not interest when I am to being suffocating, even becoming a person I didn’t even recognize any more just waiting for someone to see me as worthy of this jewel that for me was so rare and precious. I was still in that lump of coal stage waiting for someone to make me a diamond. After one of these episodes threatened my very sanity, I had to take the time to sit back and look at the bigger picture. I had yet, at 45 years of age, to figure out my own value. If I am accepting anything, giving everything and getting nothing, what am I telling this person I feel that I am worth. Unfortunately, you reflect what you feel. If you are desperate, than you give off desperation and leave room for the energy leeches to come in and drain your life force. I didn’t see a beautiful woman looking back at me when I looked in the mirror, many times only giving myself a glance when I brushed my teeth in the morning. I never believed I was smart enough to do anything so I live in that place where I didn’t try anything that I could have failed at. I didn’t believe I was good enough so I will accept what ever was given cause something is better than nothing at all. I lack the confidence that I see other women with. I don’t deserve anymore, in a comparative mind state to the woman up the road, or the lady standing next to me in the store. I don’t look like that, I can’t dress like that, I’m not as smart as her. I even at some point turned down a higher position cause I didn’t think I had what it took to do that job even though the regional manager came to me specifically and asked me if I would be interested in doing it, I gave myself all kind of excuses. 

Can you imagine 45 years of , hearing how smart all of your friends are, how pretty everyone else is, what a great personality that everyone around you has. There was a point that even if a man would talk to me I would be wondering, what his angle was? why? I don’t have anything left to give? I am not getting ready to let this person use me too, until they find something they really want. I thought of myself as sort of ‘crash test dummy’. 

I wasn’t a mistake. But what I now know is that you get what you reflect. If I don’t think very much of me  then no-one else will. You reflect what you know to be your truth. My truth was broken, manipulative, exhausting, unmotivated, worthless. So I kept getting people around me that were negative and lifting themselves up off my lack of understanding what I represent. I was putting them on a pedestal, building up their confidence and igniting a fire to their self concept then they would leave and give it all to a woman they thought was worthy of all that they had to offer. 

WAIT!!!! I am everything that I like. I have no lack. I am funny. I am witty. I am intelligent. I am an awesome cook. I am strong. My potential exceeds my expectations of myself so the sky is the limit. I am nurturing, exciting, loving, lovable, giving, affectionate, attentive, attractive, my smile is intoxicating (I just never got to see it cause I was always frowning), my eyes can outshine the sun, my personality= so charismatic and my heart bigger than the universe. I give so freely. and I decided to give all that to me, the only pedestal I will build is for me. You can stand next to me but you cannot be put above me. I wasn’t built for that. I now truly believe that and more people smile back now cause my smile is not strained its genuine. 

I expect the right people to be drawn to me now. My patience is higher, cause I know what I deserve and I am not accepting any more frogs. My heart is open, but not just to others, to me as well. I treat me with respect, and admiration. On those days that I fall back into those habits I re affirm to myself. I am not a mistake, every thing that I am, is what I was meant to be and is needed by this world or I wouldn’t be here. Now I am ready for something healthy and authentic. This love is truly Amazing.




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