journey to my soul

There is a place I call “bad stuff closet”, and I used mine frequently. Mentally when I don’t want to or don’t know how to deal with something I file it away as bad stuff, put it in the closet and forget it. The problem with the “bad stuff closet” is 1. The stuff never goes away and every time you open it to put something else in you see the crap you haven’t dealt with already 2. The things you put in there start to collaborate. (Like that song was kinda ok, but then they added all these people and called it a remix and it just sound like a jumbled bunch of garbage. 3. The stuff still happened! 4. Like every closet of a pack rat, you’re going to open it one day and all the junk from the back is going to push forward and fall out. Now you gotta deal with all that stuff at once instead of a little bit at a time.

My dam finally broke. What do I do now. Logically I thought, put it back. Not as easy as it sounds, ok deal with the easier stuff and put the rest back. Oh damn, wait they formed a collaboration in there they are all linked together now. EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD! What do I do, break down.

Seriously, what I found was a bunch of new characters in my play. The so-called friend, The fair weather friend, The I’m to busy unless we are talking about my problem friend and the worst…I’ll listen so I can manipulate this issue into something that benefits me friend. Now I have a pile of crap and some big mountain under the rug in my living room where I swept it and no sight of and empathetic person in sight. I sat there with my pile of crap and a new friend that wouldn’t take his ass home, depression. I have no closet to put him in so, I will have to deal with him, my losses (and they were plenty), my failures, my loneliness that I fooled myself into thinking didn’t exist, my lack, failed marriage, failing career, age, lack of faith, lack of basic necessities, crumbling belief system, anxieties are high along with my blood pressure, a child with a disability, an angry kid, life is still happening and a knife in my back.

Right now my mental health is on life support, spirituality, and emotional health are tugging at the cords and physical health is playing with the switch. Gonna have to pay someone to care, so I do a sprint to the mental health professionals cause surely they have a solution or some kind of insight into how to systematically put some of this crap in order. (before I go any further I would like to say, I do not have an issue with the mental health profession as I spent plenty of years working in it and absolutely loved my job(s).  With that being said, it is society as a whole that is sick not just the people who recognize their illness. Humanity has become a dollar sign. The need to make as much money as you possibly can and make others money has completely replaced compassion, and respect for life. I was thinking therapeutic counseling, some tools, coping skills, etc. what I got was 30 mins of Q&A about things leading up to the events, what was your childhood like? Was your father in your life? Did you have a normal birth? Was anyone in your life mentally ill? While all are reasonable questions, we still haven’t touched on why I’m here and yet you are writing me a prescription for a cocktail of pills that I can’t even pronounce and telling me to take them and make an appointment to see you in one month. What am I going to do in this month that I am waiting to come back? What are these pills going to do to me? How do they work? side effects? … NOTHING!

Now I’m home with 3 bottles of pills and google trying to find out the side effects, and what these pills are for exactly. Take a pill, and you feel crazier than you did before you took it and you still have the problem accept you’re drooling and you can’t even form a complete sentence or a thought.

Deciding I am not going to take this synthetic mind altering pill, I am just going to have to go through it and build myself up. I knew someone who was on a journey to his life purpose, or how to get my self out of trouble, or how do I get to happy or something. At any rate it seemed to be working for him as far as I could see. Being as he was one of the three people who (at that time) had time and was very interested in sharing the things that he had learned, I listened and did some research of my own. I didn’t altogether agree with what he had going on but the basic foundation worked…theoretically. Changing the way I eat at the very least would help with my physical health. I couldn’t do it that drastically as my funds were limited and I had other people to feed, but a few changes here and there, tweak this. Much better. My mind was constantly flipping like someone had a remote control and they just kept their finger on the channel button. My next mission, I gotta turn this off or at least stop and watch a program or two. I started having quiet time and decided I would only answer my phone when I was in the head space to do that. I was not listening to anyone else issues til I could figure some of mine out. (I absolutely did feel bad) but if I didn’t take care of me and I am no longer here you will call someone else and your life will go on. I wrote numerous letters, not thinking just letting my mind spill out on to paper just to clear out my hard drive a little. I allowed my feelings to be valid, it was ok to cry about the hurt, it was ok to be mad about that situation, it was ok to take responsibility for my own actions. Definitely not ok to embody the blame for someone else actions. I read things that promoted me… Me loving me, me changing the things that I don’t want, me manifesting a better life through my thoughts, my actions.

For ever I heard that “JOY” is on the inside, no one can take your joy. It really was a bunch of bull too me until it made sense. I thought that in order to be happy I needed something to make me happy…(preferably a mate) But you truly can decide to be happy. No I am not trying to tell anyone that bad days don’t exist. I am not saying being hurt isn’t a reality, I am not saying that it is not valid. I am saying sometimes you just have to adjust your mindset, surroundings, and perception. Most of the things that were in my closet, was not something I could change. They happened. I had no control, the only thing I had control of is how I deal with them, what I was going to do with the pain, set back, lesson, etc. and know that all the things that happened that I couldn’t change, still happened. And the things that I could have changed I manifested and it still happened. I can’t go back and change it but I can make better choices. The fact is it’s not over til the last breath is gone from your body and everything shuts down. So I grieved my losses, I accepted my failures and called them a lesson, focused on the good things that I have and showing gratitude (on going task) suddenly seeing me as worth another chance, So many new opportunities. Darkness has to give in to light no matter how small the flicker. See yourself in that light. I am self sabbotaging, I had to accept that as my flaw, until you accept it you won’t change it. Never being good enough, smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough, talented enough, then I wondered who I am I not enough for? I like me, I like what I stand for, I would want a friend like me, I love staring at me (especially when I am feeling myself). I am the only me, so there is no me that is better. Maybe you need to adjust your lenses, what is there not to like about me. I have to remind myself everyday all day of that, but the feeling is worth it. I ask questions when I don’t understand, I compiment people cause I didn’t know how to accept those, I can give my love to anyone cause it won’t cost me a thing, even if they don’t accept it.

LOL, I know it seems real tidy, but notice I didn’t say I don’t cry. I didn’t say I don’t have bad days. I am not a billionaire yet, everything thing is not pixies, unicorns, and butterflies. I still miss my mother and father, and still have a grieving process to go through 20+ years later. I miss my brother. I miss my grandbaby, my children that didn’t make it, the lost love, but the realization that every single person that came into my life molded this completely amazing woman that is here now makes these things alot easier to accept. My life hasn’t physically changed much from the last traumatic event that sent me into a spiral, the way I perceive it has. I see forward movement, I see my future, I see wealth and a love that is all consuming I don’t need to complete another person I need to enhance and allow them to enhance me. My peace is in my hand and heart.


Love is divine


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